Tuesday, April 15, 2014

jenga and spiritual blocks

Hello World,
Do you remember me? 17 year old girl who has been writing on this little blog called “it’s my life” ever since 2010?  Does it ring any bells?  Perhaps, perhaps not. I’m Allie.  Nice to meet you.  If you do remember me, I applaud your loyalty to my blog which has been on hiatus for the last several months.  Really, I am glad you are still here.
As some of you know, my blog has mostly been about my life (no duh) and my journey with God.  I am a Christian, for those who didn’t know already.  
“Ooh,” You say as you read this post, “Another Christian blog. Close tab, close tab, CLOSE TAB!”
Before you do close this tab, I need to get some things off my chest.  I have grown as a young woman to realize that I am certainly not your average Christian girl.  For a long time, I’ve even wondered if I really am a Christian.  This may shock those of you who have followed me for the last four years.  To be honest, this is one of the reasons why I stopped coming to it’s my life.  I haven’t told a lot of people this and I just hope it doesn’t throw anyone off with their own Spiritual paths with God.  Here we go.
I truly believe my strongest relationship with God was when I was in middle school while I started writing on this blog.  I would write every other day, explaining my thoughts and dreams with God at the center of them.  I was homeschooled and had the time to write several times a week.  It was great.  I even joined a youth group and made a couple of fellow Christian friends. I prayed, I read my Bible, and was involved for a good couple of years in my family’s church.
This sounds extremely cheesy and I am in no way trying to bash the authors who wrote this series, but as soon as I started reading the Left Behind –The Kids– series, my relationship with God grew very distant.  Don’t get me wrong, those books were incredible to read and very addicting.  I couldn’t put the series down for several months.  However, the books were so well written that I started thinking, “Wait a minute,” I realized that there were a lot of downsides for those who weren’t Christians.  Which you would think would make me want to be a Christian all the more, but instead, I started taking steps backward. All my non-Christian friends would possibly be in this situation (assuming that Jesus would come sooner than later on in the future), it would then be up to them to decide whether they wanted Jesus or not, and their lives would then be spent in Heaven or Hell. 
My Spiritual life felt like a Jenga board game; all those blocks I had built up with God were being pulled away, one by one.  It was only a matter of time before the entire building of blocks would collapse.  I wondered about some of the things that would happen to those who didn’t believe in Jesus.  My stomach felt sick every time I thought of it.  Then I wondered about the people who believe in different gods.  Those people actually believe in their god!  How heart breaking to realize that they were following a false god.  What if they found out too late?  They probably say the same thing about Christians, I thought.  I got scared.  Am I following the wrong god?  What if I find out too late?  The building of blocks had fallen. 
I stopped going to youth group because I wasn’t getting anything from our youth pastor anymore, even though he was a really great guy.  I stopped reading my Bible and when I would read it, I would be desperately trying to find a verse that could cure my worries.  When I would cease to find one, I would get more and more discouraged.  I would pray every now and then, but I found that I couldn’t hear God’s voice anymore; not like I used to.  I even stopped reading The Left Behind series.  My Spiritual life was in ruins, waiting to be replenished.
The worst part of all of this was that I could feel every grenade the Devil threw at me.  They would explode with triumph in the name of Satan.  These grenades would destroy my spiritual ruins even if I would get up to clean and sort through my destroyed thoughts and feelings.  Every time I tried to start new with God, Satan would throw one more reason why I should question my faith.  It sucked. 
I’d like to say I’m okay now.  My injuries from this battle are still raw, though.  I go through this daily.  It makes me sad and I wish I had the innocent heart, mind, and soul I once had as a 13 year old.  I’ve grown up with struggles that wear me down.  The voice I could once hear is growing even more distant.  Where are you, I scream to God.  I feel abandoned.  It’s not like it’s all God’s fault.  I got in the habit of just not trying.  I didn’t want to go to church anymore, and I even tried a few youth groups but was discouraged.  School got in the way and I began to forget what I was fighting for. 
As the years went by, I realized it was up to me to get good grades in school and be a great student.  Me and me only.  No one could do anything about it.  I didn’t feel like God could either.  We don’t see Him.  He doesn’t answer back.  If He did, I would invite Him on some of these life decisions I was making/choosing.  I felt like I could get anywhere I wanted to go in my life by myself.  I believed this, and I am just now trying to get out of it.  I can’t do everything on my own.
I don’t know what it was, but about a week ago, I decided I’m going to try and make things work out with me and God.  I started praying about it and I decided I wanted to go to church again.  Even if I had to drive myself, I wanted to go.  I went.  It wasn’t just the talk the pastor had with us that made me want to go back, it was being there, surrounded with other Christians, and feeling like a new Christian.  I honestly felt like a regular person listening about Jesus for the first time.  The dust and rubble that was once on the roads to my previous spiritual building was cleared.  It didn’t stop there cause as soon as church was over, I wanted to learn more about God. When I got home, I read my notes from service over and over again.  One block was put down for my building.  It may not seem like a big accomplishment.  It’s a process.  One step at a time, right?  This time, I feel that these blocks I’m setting down are there to stay.  I can only go up from here. 
I think I’ve always been a Christian.  I just realized that I think differently compared to most Christians.  For example, I’ve grown to believe that Gay rights are completely okay.  Not a lot of Christians believe that (If you are interested in my point of view, I’ll write a post on my thoughts about Gay people/rights).  Yet, I still find myself to be a very Conservative person.  I’m still figuring this out, but I think I’m becoming the Christian I’ve always supposed to have been.  I am me.  The title Christian, Republican, or Gay-rights “supporter” does not define me.  I am the person God designed.  He designed me in such a way that would make me completely unique to all other people and Christians.  I am just me.
Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from you soon!